The changes in mindset

Some people live for the weekends; the days off work full with hustle and bustle and plans and 'fun'... Not so much for me! Although recently my weekends have been getting much better than they used to be. 
Partly, I think that is because I stick to a routine, or try to, at least when it comes to exercise. 
Quite a lot has changed in my life all because of my weight loss and let's chat about that for a minute (probably longer, you know me!).

​Losing this weight has completely changed my mindset and my outlook on so many aspects of life. For example, I used to HATE walking

Hate it. Nothing short of the truth, not a joke, it was something that I didn't understand. Why would anyone want to trudge around the countryside in the wet or blazing sun, in a loop with no destination other than to 'be outdoors' and have 'a nice walk'?

I would read those articles that glossy magazines would be brimming with about how you should get outdoors and bask in the sun and I'd be bombarded with emails ay work about taking time from the office and having a walk at lunch. ​

I just never got it.

But, I think I might get it now?

Right, don't get me wrong, I didn't 'not' walk as such; my two dogs don't walk themselves, but I never enjoyed it. Even with them it always felt like a chore, a blip in the day and something I had to summon all my mental strength to do. 

Here is the thing, what the magazines and 'mental health conscious' employers don't tell you is that walking might be good for you and might have massive benefits, but if you yourself are in-fact massive (or clinically obese like I was), despite all of the science and surveys that say otherwise, you might actually hate it anyway.

​I think the only time I enjoyed being outside was when I was able to sit on a deck type chair/garden chair (one that held my weight and I felt secure on), in the shade. And to be honest, I didn't even really like that all that much either.

​I wish that I had read something that would explain that to me. Being autistic, I take pretty much everything in a literal way. I know, we are all different (and that is a relief, a world full of people with identical thought processes and brain wiring like me would be... intense?) but something that often unites autistic people is this literalness that we seem to have. Ok, stay with me here. 

I would read an article that tells me that going outside makes me feel good... So, I might try it. Now this bit might vary somewhat, because maybe you try it in your lunch break with a co-worker or maybe you try a gentle stroll on the weekend, but this is the problem. 

If it is meant to make me feel good, why oh why did I hate it?

I hated it every single step, hated it with a firey passion from the depths of hell. 
Sounds like an overreaction. It's not. 

Walking for me, for 'fun' was NOT fun.

It was torturous. Yes, there is some strange irony here that the literal person is describing a simple walk as being torturous, but at times, mentally, it sort of was. Not in that literal 'tell me the truth or I'll slice your finger off' sort of torture, gosh that took a bit of a turn, sorry about that! I suppose regalrdless, I'm hoping you get my point - I hated it.

So when the idea is that it makes me feel good and it actually doesn't, that creates a few issues.

Firstly, I find myself annoyed and my head swarms with questions like 'why can't I just like it' or 'why can't I be like other people' or 'why do I have to be different' and then couple that horrible line of questioning with the guilt that if anyone on this planet needed a good long walk and to improve fitness, it is probably you, and that is where this strange inner gaslighting/bullying/hatred can occur, a strange guilt that 'you're not normal' and 'you never will be'.

That then would make a bit of a viscous cycle and make the problem worse. 

Trying to get to the point here but going off track as per... What I wanted to say is in line with another of my blog entries, and the realisation is that I didn't hate walking, I think the reality is that (and I find it odd that I didn't know this was the reason at the time, because I'm actually quite introspective), that I found walking hard. 

A way for me to safe guard myself (more irony coming, again) was to claim I hated it, so I didn't have to do it. 

I think I worked this out, because over the last month or so, over the weekend my partner and I have been taking our dogs out to new places. Not a million miles away, about 30 minute drive by car. I think the logic was it is better for them to go new places with new smells and we aren't tied to work the same way on the weekends like we are in the weekdays that means we stick to the local dog walking sites. 

Something odd happened. Gradually. 

Over these walks, I actually found myself feeling good. 

Yeah, WEIRD! I know. 

Chatting this through as I walked with my wife, confirming that nothing had changed, it wasn't like we were walking to a fun destination, it wasn't that I had been paid to complete it (I think I hated walking that much that to do a bigger longer walk a year ago, I probably would have required payment of sorts) but the difference was that I've lost weight. 

Sounds obvious, right? Maybe. But if it was obvious then why didn't I know that?

This is the thing. Maybe it is being neurodivergent/autistic/ADHD'y but when I decide something, I find it very, very hard to change my mind and shift my view. Black and white thinking. Sometimes it is great but most of the time it creates challenges. I'd told myself I hated walking to protect myself from doing said walking, and hating it, probably because I physically found it hard. 
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This is important because recently I would find myself almost trying to hate the walks whilst on the walks, but I just can't. Not in the same way. 

My brain had told my body - 'we hate walking' and my body therefore hated walking.

But what I have found recently, is that being outside and walking actually (and even typing this makes me feel a bit... ew) does help to make you feel good.

Were those writers correct the whole time? That it was/is good?

No. Although, yes. To a degree for sure. 

The issue was that no one was there saying 'you know it might not be that you hate it, it just might be that you find it hard at the moment'.

Which leads me on to say this.

Losing my weight didn't just make me lighter, or suddenly make me love walking, but what it did to me was shift my mindset into thinking 'you know what, you can do this'.

Dropping the lbs has given me a confidence that I could have never dreamt of because I genuinely didn't know I was lacking it. It's not the confidence to wear a revealing top or shorter skirts, it's like... the confidence to not hate life? I use a question mark here because I'm not sure that is right. This is one of those moments where I have a million things rushing around my mind and I'm struggling to stay on one thread, and I've realised I've missed a dose of my ADHD meds so I'll probably need to take those pretty ASAP.

-- feels appropriate to add in here, now I am proofing this before publishing, that I didn't remember to take them; this happens a lot. Another idea for a blog post maybe. 

Somehow this confidence has allowed me to alter my perception on something that I thought I hated. 

I feel like I have written far too much here and you've probably got lost and abandoned and gave up many lines ago, and I could have most likely summed it up with this:

There are expectations on you as a person to do certain things and that certain activities will make you feel good. Sometimes it's backed up by scientific evidence, and well... Science is usually right (I think...). E.G time outside = increased levels of Vitamin D = feel good. But sometimes, the goodness and truth in that is hidden because we (fat, obese, autistic, whatever descriptive term feels right here for you) have had to protect ourselves and sometimes that prevents us feeling the benefits and the goodness of certain aspects of life, like those increased doses of Vitamin D.

Losing weight changes your outlook on many things and believe it or not, things get easier. Like walking. There we go, I got to the point! Without knowing it, by pushing my body and shifting some weight (literally moving weight around and literally losing weight), changing my body composition, I gained not just muscle, but I found a new happiness in realising that my hatred of walking and being outside wasn't because I 'wasn't normal', it's just because I found it hard, and guess what? That's OK.

For me, and it might be different for you for sure, but looking at things that way now, I have opened up so many new things I am thinking about trying. This confidence in me says 'try it, because even if it is hard (which it will be because new things scare the s**t out of me) you can do it and by doing that thing, you might feel all those good benefits everyone raves on and on about.
Extra bonus parts of the blog today: weighed today at 98.4kg which I think is the lowest I have been in about 8 years and I am absolutely over the moon with that. Also, talking about finding new things scary, I tried hack squats today and loved it at the gym, and I wore shorts, and just my bra because leg days make me sweat like nothing else.

But I did that.
​
Mindset changes everything and each change I make helps me realise I should trust this new thing I've found because I think it knows what it best for me.

I have a good blog post idea in mind about why I moved gyms and how the change has helped me reset but that will be a long one so I'm keeping that for another day. For now though, here is a before and after of the first day at my new gym and today, which shows 1st May to 7th June. The difference in everything is so, so good and I feel it. It's like I've got my mojo back and I couldn't be happier.

No PT for now although I do have one lined up (another blog post about that decision coming soon too!) but the progress I have seen over these 37 days has been nothing short of phenomenal. And considering I leg pressed 140kg for 15, I'm definitely going to be at 150kg by the end of the year! Happy happy days!

If you made it to the end, well done, and thank you for sticking with me on this one, I know it was a bit of a read. I'd love to know if it resonates with you or if you have any similar experiences or thoughts you would like to share.
​Off to bed now because I've also realised that sleep is easier when you weigh less than a baby elephant too!
​Bye xx