The Bloating is Real

Trigger Warnings/Content Warning: eating disorders, mental health, depression, self harm, historical suicidal thoughts.

Today I experienced a complete sensory overload autistic breakdown.

I don't want to go into details, it was sort of a perfect storm of crapness. Nothing serious so no need to worry, and I wasn't alone so I didn't have to navigate it alone, but I've not felt like that for a looooonng time.

I've never explicitly spoken about my eating habits prior to weight loss and I wasn't planning to do it for a while, but today I slipped right back there in every single way.

So, that means that right now and this very minute, I am sat here completely bloated, feeling pretty sick. I've not binged like this in, well, years. So, my eating habits... I think I would often tell people that ... I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am sad, I just eat!

That isn't the truth though, not really. I do like food, and I do enjoy eating nice food, so yes, when I am happy I eat, and yes, I suppose, when I am sad, I eat... So, sort of true. 

Sort of.

The biggest issue though, and even typing it makes me feel some emotions that I don't like, is that I would eat as a punishment to myself. 

Back then, I wasn't diagnosed with my autism or my ADHD, and I would deal with every day by masking and almost forcing myself to get through challenges, by hiding my true feelings, my authentic self and my inability to cope.

Having to do that and wearing that mask all the time, was tiring beyond belief. But also, it made me feel inauthentic and it made me question why I couldn't be normal, why I couldn't just 'be' like other people. 

Viewing yourself like that, after many many years of struggling with mental health, takes a toll. 

The way in which I thought about myself was not with any kindness at all. ​I hated myself because I felt like I wasn't able to manage life. 

That is what undiagnosed autism/ADHD/any other condition can do to you. It creates a world in which you don't know yourself and how to cope. You can't create coping strategies or take meds or really do anything to help yourself, because you just don't know that you even have any issues, even though you might be attempting to cope with them and facing them every single day.

How did I cope? I want to say that I didn't. But I did cope, in a way. I would act on my feelings towards myself. I would make myself eat. 

​I didn't eat because I was sad, though. I made myself eat because I felt like I was worthless. I shouldn't allow myself to be healthy, because I didn't deserve it. I felt like I deserved to get fatter and be heavier, grosser and unhealthier, because I had such a poor view of myself, I felt like I didn't deserve health.

I've never said it out loud, I think, and saying it like this makes me realise that it most definitely was a form of self harm, if not verging on suicidal.

Horrible word. Horrible thought. 

And, I am sorry to those that might be reading this and find it upsetting, because I know there are people who love me dearly who read my blogs avidly.

I didn't realise at the time, and there is nothing that you or anyone could have done to curve my eating habits. Thankfully, when I got diagnosed and started to view life in a way that made sense, I was able to make the healthy changes that I think have truly saved my life.

I remember that there were times I would eat x y and z, and then go out to the shops to find something else because the sickness and disgust I felt from the food I'd consumed wasn't enough. It wasn't that I was still hungry, or that I wanted to taste the sweetness, it was that thought that I deserved to eat more crap.

​I'm not sure exactly what eating disorder this might fall into, I would assume binge eating, but I never felt compulsion to eat, I wanted to eat and would choose to eat as a punishment to myself. I remember one day considering diseases that morbidly obese people often get from a poor diet, and I told myself, in my head, literally, 'if you do, you deserve it' and I think it made me eat more.
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I can say, hand on my heart, that all of this stemmed from my inability to cope in a world that just fundamentally isn't designed for me or the way my brain works. I'm not saying that has changed, the world is still the same today as it was 18months ago and my brain is still the same as it was then too, minus the addition of ADHD meds, which I won't go into here but will commit to writing about soon, but what changed is how I view myself.

How I view myself has been able to change because of knowing the truth about why I find every day life so challenging. 

I'm autistic.

Two simple words, but in understanding that simple fact, processing it in a way that allowed me to realise that how I feel and what I needed to do vs how I masked and what I had learnt to do, just to get through, well, that changed my life. It saved my life

If I was still treating eating as a form of self harm, I honestly am not sure I would be here today and definitely wouldn't be sitting here acknowledging it, writing about it and sharing my journey.

​The reality of today, though, is that my sensory overwhelm today put me right back there and within an hour I had eaten a whole packet of cookies, four yum yums and a large bar of chocolate. Then half a garlic bread and a almost a whole pizza. Two slices left because I thought I was going to be sick.

​I am beyond upset that I allowed myself to slip back into that mind set. I hadn't had to process emotion like I had today for years, I think, and I didn't have the skills to come back from that. I do have the skills, though, usually, to now avoid getting to that point of no return, where life is actually too much and too full on and I shut down, but I've realised I need to do some work on what to happen if I cross that boundary and fall into that territory.

Sitting here, I feel so bloated and since losing weight, I can actually see when I am bloated too, and I am rounder in my tummy area than I usually look. I've even say here in my underwear (sorry if that is a TMI!) because the waist band on my leggings felt so tight and restrictive.

The important thing, though, which does show a healthier mindset, despite the slip up today, is that I recognise it. I didn't feel good whist I ate because I didn't want to, but now, I don't feel good and I wish I did. That right there is the difference in mindset.

Previously, I would have sat here after eating all of that, and I would have thought 'well that's what you should feel - bad - so, that's good' and I would probably have gone to get chocolate buttons or something to eat more.

A horrible vicious circle of poor mental health and this is definitely something I'm going to discuss with my therapist. 

I think I am writing this post as a reminder that it is absolutely OK to 'fall off the wagon' and slip back into old habits, even old mind sets, it doesn't mean you are weak, powerless to change, or worthless. I think it shows that you are human and life is hard, whether you are neurodiverse or not, life throws curveballs and they come hella fast sometimes.

The important part, is acknowledging it, sitting in it (hopefully fully clothed and comfortable, unlike me right now...), realising that it is fine. 

It. Is. Fine.

One poor meal, one poor day, one unhealthy decision, doesn't mean you are the same person you were before, it doesn't have to be a slippery slope or an 'all or nothing' mentality.

Just think about it for a minute and process. That is what I've done. By doing that, I've been able to make the distinction between 'having a bad day because today was hard' and 'I don't deserve to be alive or be healthy'.

Very different places to be. 

Yes, I am annoyed I ate what I did, I can't change it, it has happened, but I can change it going forward, because I don't want to sit here feeling like this again because I know that I do not deserve it, and today life was a bit too much, but I have that knowledge now that life is a bit much a lot of the time, but that is because I am actually different, it isn't because I am just 'weird' and I don't need to punish myself for having a bad day.

Also, I am a bit weird, and quirky, but not in the negative way I meant - just to clarify. There is difference in being 'unique/quirky weird', and then hating yourself because you feel different and useless and can't cope. 

Coming to an end now, because writing this has been quite exhausting which I didn't expect, but to sum up, no matter how hard life is for you, whether it is some days, or every day, you DO deserve to be healthy and you do deserve to live a long and happy life.

If you feel like that, please, please speak to a doctor. I've been taking strong antidepressants for many years and even though I still felt like that, imagine if I hadn't been on them, and, well, I don't want to imagine the difference.
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​Until next time, Rhi xox
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