A proper introduction of the active autist... Me!
Ok, ok... It is probably about time I introduce myself properly because, well, I do want to do this properly after all, and so far I’ve written with quite an assumption that those who read it know me.
I think that now I’m ready to put myself out there, along with all the vulnerabilities that come with doing that, and because I think it makes sense to help who ever reads it, to understand who I am, what drives me, and, maybe most importantly, why I have done this.
Here are some photos of me from before I started this journey.
It started off, as I’ve said before, with the realisation that I couldn’t remember the last time I was out of breath.
Despite all the activity I did (or thought I did) at the time, being a horse owner, having dogs that needed walking and even working outside during some of it, I couldn’t recall feeling breathless in years.
So, that was why I started going to the gym. Not really to lose weight but to make my body healthier.
All I did was cardio because that was all I felt comfortable doing, and able to do (read my other blogs for more information on that) but over the months that followed, as I branched out and found (or discovered?) new strength, both physically and mentally, I realised that actually, I quite enjoyed it and 18 months later, I love it.
What this means, really, is that my whole mentality has well and truly shifted and rather than the gym being a place in the middle of hell, used simply to get my heart pumping and my lungs working, it is has now become my safe place and somewhere I adore going.
Honestly I’d put it in the same category as climbing into my bed on clean sheets day.
You see, something happened to me at the gym (that sounds ominous and it needn't), and it was something that I never expected. Ever.
As I worked out and pushed my body, little by little and week after week, and as I leg pressed and zottoman curled (among many, many other exercises), I fell head over heels in love with it all.
The sweating, the breathlessness, the shakey legs, all of the things that used to scare me are now the parts that drive me. The happiness and buzz each and every time I swipe my phone to access the gym is the highlight of my day and an activity that I look forward to from the moment I wake up.
Someone, who will remain nameless, especially because I think that they said this out of care and their own personal experiences rather than malice, said to me once that I shouldn't ever become obsessed with the gym. I was warned that if I became obsessed, it wouldn't be good for my relationship, or other aspects of my life, and I was told that it would consume me, take over and change me as a person.
I remember that I just smiled and listened as this person told me about one of their (now adult) childrens' partners getting into fitness and it leading to a road of divorce and stress for them all.
It made me wonder, though, if all that happened was that this person who had become 'obsessed with the gym' actually had a similar (and yet entirely different) journey to mine. Was it that they started going to the gym to escape the real world, and just like it has for me, it became a place of safety and a place of self development? A place beyond that of muscle building and into that of mind? Was it that this persons new found love of the gym really cause their divorce, or was it that by pushing their body they found a new strength of mind, and a new confidence to make big life decisions that maybe they had always wanted, but were afraid to do?
I'll never know the answer to that and I am also aware that it is never as simple as to make those swooping statements about how or why about any one other than yourself and even then, our own experiences twist and turn all over the place too, and mine are never that easy to follow, anyway. But... I do think back to that conversation, where I was told not to be gym obsessed, and well, I can't see anything wrong with it at all. At least, not for me personally.
I just cannot see how working on yourself and bettering yourself in a dedicated and safe place like a gym, could make you a bad person, make you fall out of love with people and be a catalyst for divorce.
What I can confirm, though, is that it absolutely can be a reason to find the strength to leave someone who wasn't right for you, which could leave others feeling as though you only care about yourself.
Ok, I mean, maybe I'm wrong and that is fine, I've been wrong often in my life (even if I hate to acknowledge it!) but my not so typical brain thinks that if you find yourself falling in love with exercise, it is probably because you're gaining more than just physical benefits. You've found those mental ones too.
It is through my commitment to the gym that I’ve been able to learn discipline that isn’t rooted in very risky, very kinky sexual activities (mostly with very questionable people in my early adult years).
I’ve learnt how to show up and be present. I’m learning to forgive myself for the times I couldn’t give any more.
For the days where, for whatever reason, my body can’t lift as much or go as far (the joys of being female are endless). For me, the biggest learning point and the most important bit, is that I am able to apply that to my mind too.
You heard right; I'm getting better at being able to forgive my mind, and my debilitating inability to cope with 'normal' life sometimes and my executive disfunction.
I think that this journey has shown me that just as your heart is a muscle that needs work, so is your head. Your mind, your resilience, mental response and the kindness that you can show to yourself is a muscle too and when I look back, it wasn't just that I couldn't remember being breathless, but I also couldn't remember a time when I was kind to myself.
You never know how life is going to go, the last few years and Covid are testament to that, but crikey, over the last few years my family and I have seen enough curve balls for at least two lifetimes.
Something about the gym, though, is that it is always the same. No scary unexpected curveball coming to smash me in the face.
You can choose your exercises in advance, you can even have a PT schedule everything for you, but if you don't want to do that, or can't afford it (I crippled myself with PT for a long time, worth every penny but a big financial commitment), you can learn to plan and schedule.
You don't need to prepare for the weather or make sure you have access to toilets or water. You don't need back up plan after back up plan like when you're outside. At least, that is my experience.
The only time I've enjoyed the outside, honestly, was spending time with horses. That part of my life is over now and the hard truth is that it was probably over the moment I said goodbye to my beautiful girl Quest, because never have I had a connection like that with any other living being and I doubt I ever will again.
Part of me went with her that day, as it was supposed to, to accompany her safely to her final destination and to allow me to join her when my time is up; I'll find her and be reunited with my missing piece.
Since that day, rather than feeling calm around horses, I would feel stressed and even slightly jittery. Even with the lovely gelding I had for a couple of years, who I owe a lot to, because I think he saved me from a pit of depression, I never felt that same calmness and tranquillity that I had lost and that I think, I had desperately tried to fill.
Right, after all of that I needed a break, this has turned out exceptionally hard to document. I thought it would be, but the photo selection has thrown me for a loop.
Coming back to this, honestly after taking a few days to sit with it, to make sure that I am able to do this, and I have concluded that yes, I can.
All of these experiences make me who I am, they shape every decision I make, and guide me onwards in my path through this life. There was a time when I thought I was doing this 'fitness thing' to be lighter for when I was going to start riding again, but, even with as nice as that would have been, my journey wasn't to ride again but I've realised, it was/is to find ways to cope with my mental health, struggles and depression, which linger around me closer than I would like, and to find a way to embrace my neurodivergent mind.
I had planned to share this on Tuesday after writing in on Monday, and today is Thursday. I've had to take some time on it. I added the above today and I'm letting you know because usually I would be annoyed that I've missed my deadline but this time, I've allowed myself that additional time, the chance to sit in my feelings, and I've been kind to myself.
Now, back to the rest of it...
I've just made a cup of tea and come back to this and in typical me fashion, I think I've done that thing I do where I go off on a tangent and lose track of my topic, but all of this is so important for you to know who I am and why I am have found such comfort in the gym, which I suppose, is all a part of my story and why I feel it is important to share it.
I have to keep myself in check because often when I try to share a story or a joke, I have to give sooooo much context it almost loses the point, my partner questioned me about that once. My answer? Everything was important! I think that is an ADHD thing, at least I am sure I have seen others expressing similar issues when retelling (or attempting to retell) things to others in their absence.
Ok, so back to the point... I've not changed much in my weight for a month, maybe more, but I've reached this point where even without the number on the scales changing much, my body is changing almost everyday and that progress is making me proud and making me push harder.
For one of the first times ever, I actually enjoyed my arm workout today. Usually I'm all about the lower body but I'm developing and learning and changing, but in a totally safe way with nothing unexpected to get in the way.
I will do a blog about the things that can go wrong and the times when your plan does have to change (because sometimes things break, sometimes it is busy and that can be overwhelming and I guess that sometimes things do just happen) but the key, for me, is that you can plan for these things unlike other forms of exercise, in my opinion, anyway.
You might have guessed it, planning is key for me and for quite important for other neurodivergent people too, so we often have strategies in place to help us when we need them. Often it shows up in little things, which for me would include looking at the menu of a restaurant beforehand and knowing exactly what to order, what to have as a back up, knowing how to drive there and where to park, getting there early, taking two varieties of headphones and a pair of earplugs, you know, just in case, and back up snacks in case they have changed the menu or my choices are out of stock... Yup, planning.
Even with all my planning and preparedness for every aspect of my life, it is my workouts and my fitness journey that feels like one of the only things I am in control of at the moment, and that has helped me to not spiral back into a depression that is hanging about and waiting with open arms for me to return.
Sorry if that got a little heavy then, that wasn't my intention at all. I suppose the short version would be this: if you're reading this and wanting to start your own journey, reach out and let me know, because I am more than happy to be a supportive friend and someone to bounce ideas off or hear your concerns.
I'm different because my journey is different. It isn't typical, and at times during the beginning I felt like no one really understood how exercise made me feel because I hated it.
I think as a species that typically, when we hate something, we just avoid doing it. When it comes to your health though, you cannot simply avoid doing it, as much as you might hate it.
A bit like brushing your teeth. I hate brushing my teeth, the feeling of it sends me into a sensory nightmare, but I've learnt that I just have to if I want to ensure less pain and fillings etc.
Sometimes we have no choice but to make changes and deal with the consequences in order to live a long, happy and a safe life.
So, if venting to me helps you, I'm all ears.
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