A mid journey check in needed...

Trigger warning/content warning: mental health, toxic environments, bullying
TL:DR - keep showing up, it helps.
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A bit of honesty here, which feels odd saying, because I'm pretty much always honest (probably to a fault, sometimes) but it is time to put something out there that I think is very important.

This journey is hard. Showing up, is hard. Staying consistent, yep, you guessed it. Hard.
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But I'm here, showing up, being consistent, and by doing so, it is helping me feel in control despite the immense amount of stress I'm feeling in most aspects of life right now and for some reason I am finding it hard to share this part of me. Maybe because of that awful stereotype that many late diagnosed people seem to face, about 'jumping on the band wagon' or seeking a diagnosis because it seems 'cool' or 'popular' or being an 'attention seeker'. These sorts of feelings and thoughts that I often see in the mainstream and on social media, they have an impact on those of us who are doing anything but that.
 
I know that if you're reading this you are mostly likely fully aware of this (I hope.. if not, well I hope you're here to learn and not to troll!), but let me tell you right now, having a brain that is fundamentally wired differently and living in a world that is not designed for the way your brain works, that is not cool. At all.

Often, when I feel overwhelmed I manage to end up in a place of immense emotion, telling my partner that:

 I wish I could be normal. Why can't I be normal. ​

Now, this isn't a pity post, I really hope it isn't coming across as that, because that probably sums up this strange fear thing I am talking about and sharing these challenges and the struggles sometimes. I think it mostly comes from myself (it does) and how I am perceived (or, imagine I am/might be perceived?), because again, historically, and in fact, even today, myself, along with many autistic people are told to 'cheer up' or 'look happy' or are questioned with 'why do you have to be that way' (like it is a choice, of course and we intentionally make life difficult by asking for clarity). 

The way others, mostly neurotypical people (sorry, I'm not putting you all into one category, some NT people are so open minded and chill, but you know the type I'm talking about) treat anyone who thinks slightly differently (often in a much more 'simple' way, actually, with no hidden agendas or game playing) like we are being intentionally difficult or argumentative. This could be because of how we ask questions, how we conduct ourselves, how we are deemed to be unprofessional, and all those sorts of horrible descriptive words and phrases that I am sure many of us have been called, many times. Well, those have taken a toll and on me, it somehow limits my confidence to share the challenges that I face because I'm afraid that I'm going to upset someone (unintentionally), or 'over share' and be 'unprofessional' despite following to the best of my abilities, the (often invisible) rules set out by society.

So... Ok, waffle, sorry about that. Back to it!

I guess I am here to say, this is hard to write and I don't want sympathy, just to put it out there that at the moment, for various reasons, 

I am struggling but something I am able to do, which is helping me, is to keep showing up. ​

I'm talking about exercise in this instance, not nutrition.
Today, I ate a whole dominos pizza, and cheese twist things, and four dominos cookies. Loved every mouthful and it is what I needed. However, I am also going to the gym. I also went to the gym yesterday, and the day before. I am showing up, in a way that I know how to, in order to feel in control. 

The nutrition will come back under control (and trust me when I say it could be a million times worse!) but by being able to show up and complete a workout however small, well, that, I think, on its own, is keeping a complete mental breakdown or crisis/shutdown away.

This isn't burnout, I have two quite extreme and mentally draining things going on at the moment, which means I do have that little bit of energy left to put into my exercise, which I know if you are struggling with burnout, you simply don't have.

I will try to write something about that another time; I have a list of topics I want to write about, but as per my last blog, I don't want to bombard with all this stuff and I need to learn some patience (not my strong point!). 

I could probably describe this time in my life as being 'significantly stressed and simply struggling' - all the s's it seems.

Back to the point - the little bit of energy I have is getting me to go and use my body, which is helping. 
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That is all. 

A small tip from me today - even when things get stressful and you want to say 'f*** it' and 'what's the point', see if you can find just something, however small, to keep scheduled and structured and committed to. ​

This doesn't need to be the gym like I do, this might be being outside, sitting in the garden, getting some fresh air, go for a short walk as I've often done in the work day these last few weeks when everything feels too much. It helps remind you that whilst everything else might feel as though it is spiralling, you can slow the trajectory, you still have some control. I promise that no matter how out of control life might feel, by continuing to show up and implementing whatever amount of discipline that you have, it doesn't feel quite so bad. 
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How to get disciplined? Start small, change one thing. 

Small changes add up to big changes and by starting them, doing them daily, that creates the habit and that creates the discipline that you can then use during the harder times. ​

It won't always look like this for me, I know that previously when I've been unwell and unable to go to the gym, I've managed to focus more on the nutrition side for instance because that was the part that wasn't derailed because of my poor physical health. There is always something that you can control even if you feel like you can't. And honestly, even if you can't identify that thing to control, that is OK. You could try to start something that can become the thing you can control. 

It is very easy to feel overwhelmed and helpless, I should know. I'm hoping that these little waffles of my mind might just help you, because I am learning too, learning about how to help myself. A year ago, maybe less, if I was going through what I am going through now, I can assure you I wouldn't be writing this blog and sharing it and I wouldn't have been able to show up here, or at the gym. But these two things, these are things I can control, and if not the gym, or write a full blog, I might go for a stroll and share an Instagram post.

Writing here, though, is something I enjoy and a new aspect of my being that I have found a true passion and unwavering enthusiasm for and despite the stress and situations, I've managed to show up and write. Not sure what to say to that, other than man, I am proud. 

Past Rhi would be so proud, and honestly, I think my ability to do this has come from that consistency and commitment I have found within exercise. 

Does this resonate at all with you? Please let me know, it helps me too, to not feel isolated or alone in my journey. My mind might be a bit cluttered sometimes and have too much going on at the same time, but I think getting these words out will be useful for those who might not be able to yet. It is for you, that I'm sharing this for and I hope you'll stick with me through the hard bits.

Ending with this photo because it makes me smile. Animals always make it better. Unless they don't because you're allergic or something, in which case, I doubt that animals make it better. Maybe a stuffed toy?
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p.s. I have plenty of those, too. I'll write a blog about it some time - adding it to the list right now.