Just a Quick Thought

It felt so so sooo good to be back at the gym last night and today I have really felt the difference too. Discovering the gym has truly been life changing for me and has helped me develop a new appreciation for my body and (it even feels odd saying this) I think I actually quite it.

​Yes, yes, some days It is definitely not easy to say that, at all, but I am learning (here I go again with the learning!) that it is OK to have days where you don't like anything about yourself (curve ball - bet you didn't expect that), because that is completely normal.

Yep, me and normal in the same sentence? Savour it because it will probably never happen again because I am anything but normal. I prefer quirky (in a good way, and who wants to be normal anyway?!). 

Anyway, back to the point here; some days I don't like my reflection in the mirror, some days I don't like my reflection in the mirror OR the number on the scales looking up at me, but then I remember that (little ego here - brace yourselves) my body is strong. Literally, strong.

I can push over 150kg at the gym now and can bash out 10 reps of 130kg on the leg press.

This body. My body. 

If we ignore hormonal changes for a second because lord knows how they like to royally screw everything up, my body can do things I never thought possible. Realising that is very empowering. It has been empowering.

Reality check for a second; there is always the chance that I think 'f*** it' and I start eating crap again and stop going to the gym altogether, in which case this next sentence might end up null and void, but hear me out...
If the number on the scales goes up for a day, two days, lingers there, maybe goes up again, as long as I am not giving up and as long as I remind myself that 'this body is strong' suddenly that number becomes less and less relevant.

Lets talk actual, real numbers for a second.

This week (from Friday to yesterday), and this is the cold (ha, incoming pun) hard (read: soft scoop) truth, I have eaten 2 x tubs of Ben & Jerry's, 3 x tubs of Halo ice cream (an attempt to not go too far off the wagon) and a family tub of Mackies ice cream.

I probably (definitely) could have limited myself, but that isn't the point. For whatever reason (and there is definitely a valid one!) I didn't want to limit myself. I ate what I felt I needed over the last few days. Couple that with the same reason preventing me from going to the gym too and you see how this might have been completely detrimental to my ability to stay on a wagon or anywhere remotely near the tracks, even. 

However, I made sure that I did not beat myself up about this. My dentist had beaten me up enough! -- If you ever read this Cindy - you didn't, you actually made it much better but crikey having a tooth pulled hurts! --

I enjoyed (as much as I could) every spoonful.. no, that's not right - I enjoyed every tub (better) of ice cream. I decided not to weigh everyday - I knew full well that the numbers were not going to be helpful or useful over these days.

The point? Seeing as I can't stick to it today, is that since my last weigh-in on Thursday I gained (as of this morning) 2.75kg. It also takes me back over that magical number of 100kg.

Not surprising when we total all the calories of the gallons of ice cream I consumed.
​
Historically, I probably would have weighed every day, seeing the number creep up, hating it, hating myself, still eating the ice cream because lets face it, sometimes life just requires it, but I probably would have felt disgusting every time I opened the freezer to get one or took the empty tub to the kitchen. I would have felt like the old me when I stood in the queue at the shop to buy it and like 'this is all my life is now'. I would have punished myself for eating it, punished myself for the number on the scales going up and I would have made myself feel even more miserable and 'gross and huge' because that was my old mindset and the only way I knew how to feel. 

Weird to put that on paper, because if you know me, you will know that approx. 6 years ago, I managed to get down to 95kg by following a well known slimming group (read: cult). Want to know something though? Trying about food being sinful does not help you develop a food relationship with what you fuel your body with. Funny, that.

This time though and probably the whole point of this long confused post, is that I gave myself grace. I listened to what I felt like, what my body needed. Now, yes, yes, some of you will read this and think god, she could have had something else rather than all that ice cream, what about a, b, c and d, and you would be right. However, I know myself and what I need in the moment better than anyone. I'm learning to trust that, because sometimes we need to allow ourselves a step back in order to find the strength to move forward.

Philosopher Rhi has joined the party!

Letting myself partake in the things I felt I needed and letting my body not be as strong as I can be in the gym (because I didn't go) and letting that number move up again (ice cream, duh) has actually allowed me to hit the ground running today now I feel better.

I haven't now got that horrible mindset of 'why did I do that' or 'how could I let myself go backward' and I woke up today (still with pain, but less) and because I felt so good, because I fundamentally let myself just do what was needed, I reached for protein shakes again instead of ice cream and I've tracked everything.

I know that the weight gain will drop back off, because when I am back on it and feeling positive (which, you guessed it... I am, because I allowed myself to be 'not perfect' and 'not upset by the reality of my decisions') I know that sticking at it works. And on days where I hate my body and hate that number (which I hope are quite a while away) I can remind myself of the strength of my body (re-read the stats from earlier) and also, because of this weekend, the strength of my mind.

You read that right.

My body is strong, but also my mind. 

The difference in me, my attitude, my self acceptance, self love, is galaxies away from the me of two years ago.

The confidence of knowing 'I can' and 'I will' is powerful.

Well, this turned into quite a long waffle didn't it. I think that is why I love to write, I set out to make one point and end up trying to untangle a knotted mess of different thoughts and tangents and ideas and... you get the point.
​
TL:DR - numbers on the scales change, sometimes good sometimes bad, they don't mean much in the grand scheme of life and how your body feels. You are stronger (physically and mentally) than you know.